Discipline Starts at Home
| Modern western families are not, as a norm, teaching self-discipline to their children. External discipline, the one administered forcibly by parents and society, does not always translate into self-discipline. We could certainly learn from Asian families, especially Chinese and Japanese; their children behave splendidly in our American schools. Parents may ask, quite reasonably, why so many children fail to follow the discipline values that they learned at home. There are several causes which we can find not only at home, television is a big one, but also throughout our modern society. Traditional values are usually interpreted by younger generations as old-fashioned and obsolete. Young parents protest: "We must try to understand our children, we must be better than our own parents." This pseudo-scientific attitude, not supported by hard evidence, has caused the American family (in general) to forgive or turn a blind eye to small delinquent behavior in young children. This philosophy began with the baby boomer generation after WWII. As a result, modern day students have relaxed their standards, their values, and this laissez-faire behavior is in part responsible for our present economic woes. Our societal model of greed and lack of responsibility has given birth to fraudulent financial instruments, to outright lies by real estate agents, and to sleazy accounting procedures. Corruption is rampant among As a teacher in high-school, I see firsthand the consequences of a "let him/her grow into his/her own" attitude by parents. They interpret every little misstep as a "child looking for his/her identity". Interrupting this process amounts to sacrilege, to a violation of humanistic principles that assume that man is born good. According to this philosophy, society is the villain that makes us "bad". As I walked in the classroom, I saw papers strewn on the floor. I asked the student sitting at that desk to pick them up. His reply was a typical "I didn't do it". The very notion that somebody else is responsible allows me to forgo all my values regarding helping the community. Somebody else will do it; we don't know who that other person is, but it's certainly not I. That same day, I watched an Asian teacher picking up thrash in the hall in front of her classroom. Other teachers usually don't bother. This lack of altruism or regard for the social group is prevalent in some groups; many teens dedicate their off time to drinking and carousing. Others, too few unfortunately, are happy to spend their free hours helping others, sometimes people they don't even know, such as African kids who lack everything. Am I just an old-fashioned, grouchy, elderly man, or is there some truth in my nostalgia for self-discipline? Parents: Small, "innocent" acts of delinquency can flourish and become full-blown attacks against our social fabric. I do not recommend martial law inside the home, nor do I favor physical punishment unless it is absolutely necessary (repeated disobedience). A few well-placed smacks on the buttocks will hurt pride more than flesh, and the message will be received loud and clear. Early stern intervention will stimulate self-discipline, as children will finally assimilate the idea that they are responsible for their own behavior and for the well-being of society in general.
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How To Deal With Rebellious Teens Let's talk about teens between 13 and 18, when they supposedly reach adulthood. If you have children that age, you are probably suffering the consequences of their rebellious attitude. As a high school teacher, I deal with all kinds of teens, from the very shy to the very boisterous, from the combative to the passive, from the "in-your-face" youngster to the "yes-sir" student. As a rule, girls are just as likely to be rebellious, but the way they show it is usually much more subdued than boys. They also show better social graces than their male counterparts. They all, however, must be handled a certain way if parents hope to obtain a modicum of self-discipline. What Parents Should Never Do: 1. Scream, shout or yell. The moment you raise your voice, the child will stop listening and put on his mental "armor." 2. Sarcasm and irony. You will only provoke more rebellion and emotional hurt that may very well cause lower self-esteem. 3. Violence. It is sometimes tempting to raise your hand and smack that insolent mouth. Again, the result will be just the opposite of what you would like; plus, the teen will never forget it. 4. Compare and contrast. My father used examples from his own youth to try and teach me discipline. My situation and times were completely different from his and his "lessons from the past" never made the slightest impact. 5. False Role Models. What teen won't think "liar and phony" when his mother tells him not to lie, even though she has instructed him to lie to other people in the past? Before you exclaim "not me, I don't do this," think back about the many occasions in which you used a "white" lie to get out of an unwanted party or meeting. A lie is always a lie for an idealistic teenager who has trouble distinguishing the gray areas. Discipline Techniques Parents Should Use 1. Sit down one-on-one with the child in an isolated area (no one else present) and discuss the problem in a well-balanced manner, giving him or her opportunity to explain. Make sure you listen very carefully and weigh the pros and cons before reaching a decision. Any appearance of injustice will provoke the most powerful reaction. Teens see only black and white, no grays. Their sense of justice is what we'd like to see in our much older judges and juries. 2. Never miss the chance to explain why Rosie can't go out with her friends at night. Be brutally honest about drugs and sex, two of the main dangers for a teen. Even if Rosie cries and throws a fit, don't give in and keep explaining with a measured voice that you have a serious responsibility toward her. 3. Cell phones are ubiquitous in teen hands. We have tried to control the plethora of electronics in our school with little success. We do however get good results when we take them away for a day or two if they use them in class. Parents have a good opportunity to apply effective punishment by confiscating the cell phone, MP3 or whatever they are using. Again, without raising your voice, explain that they'll get them back when they raise their grades or show more discipline. Teens understand very well that they have to pay the piper when they misbehave. 4. Set firm rules and stick to them no matter what. Teens, as mentioned above, see everything in black and white. If you bend a rule, they'll jump on it like a horde of hungry lawyers and make you suffer. These rules must be the same for all your children. "Why did my sister get away with it?" is not something you want to respond to. 5. Never set the bar too high. If you expect too much out of them they'll feel frustrated because they won't be able to do it. I met a parent who was upset with her son because he had received a 90 (A-) in physics when she wanted him to get 100 (A). The kid felt like a failure even though he had finished among the top 5 students. The 3 Golden Rules: Communicate, Communicate, Communicate | |||